Brain, Child

About a year ago I discovered the magazine Brain, Child while surfing the web. It's probably one of the best things I have ever found on the Internet. I subscribed for a year and just recently signed up for two more years. Brain, Child dubs itself "the magazine for thinking mothers." I love this magazine. It is filled with essays from moms, feature stories and book reviews. The articles you would find in this magazine aren't ones you'll find in mainstream magazines. (The current issue has an article titled "Two lesbians and a eunuch", try finding that in a mainstream magazine. The writers in this magazine are refreshingly truthful and come from a wide range of backgrounds. Check it out at http://www.brainchildmag.com Just a little warning. This magazine is not for anyone who is easily offended or doesn't approve of objectionable language. And that's why I like it. Plus it seriously is for thinking mothers.

The Pizza Caper

I wake each morning to an alarm clock or to my children. On this morning, however, I woke to complete silence. When these rare occurrences happen I usually roll over and fall back to sleep, but today I was getting up. There was leftover pizza in the fridge and I was going to get it before anyone else. Is there a breakfast better than cold pizza? I think not. I tiptoed past the boys' room, careful not to wake them. Not only was I going to have pizza for breakfast, but I was going to enjoy it in front of the TV, watching what I wanted. No cartoons. No hunting shows. I made it to the fridge, opened the pizza box and gasped. Nothing but crumbs. I didn't even hear my husband get up last night. He was going to get it when he got up. He was always doing this. I lost count how many times I've been in the mood for a bowl of ice cream only to find the container empty in the freezer. I sat down in front of the TV fuming, thinking about all the things I was going to say to my husband once he got up. Then I heard Rion stirring in his room so I went to see him and tell him good morning. There was my little angel in bed, stretching and yawning, next to two slices of half eaten pizza.

This happened when Rion was about 2 1/2. Luckily, my husband never got to hear the verbal beating I had planned. I think I still apologized to him for automatically blaming him, but also warned him he better not leave empty packages of food around anymore. I laughed as soon as I saw the pizza next to Rion. I couldn't believe how big he was already getting. He was already feeding himself! I didn't think it would be long before he didn't need his mom at all, but thankfully he still needs me for lots of things.

Goodbye mommy guilt

It is my last week at work. I am taking a self-imposed leave of absence. The baby will be here soon and work is too much for me to deal with right now. I don't have a physically demanding job, but it's still enough that I ache at night and I'm too tired to do anything. This is just one of the many reasons for leaving work now.

I still have a lot to do before baby arrives so I need to free up my schedule so I can get everything done. We don't even have the crib up yet! Plus when I'm at work I'm thinking about all the things I still need to do rather than thinking about work, which is effecting my work performance and at times stressing me out.

The main reason for taking this leave has to do with my two wonderful boys at home. I suffer from mommy guilt and constantly worry that I don't spend enough time with them because I am at work. There's always something I would like to do with them, but work gets in the way. It might be something as big as being able to take them to swimming lessons or something as small as being around to make their lunch each day. I constantly worry that I'm not a good mom because I can't do these things for them. Even on the weekends when I'm at home I have to go grocery shopping or run errands because there is no time for that during the week. So I even feel guilty on the weekends.

Starting next Monday, that all changes. The next two weeks will be mostly about them. I will still have to fit in some time to get some last minute baby things done, but for the most part it is all about the boys. Two wonderful mommy-guilt-free weeks where I won't be working or consumed with a new baby. It's the Must Do List I've always wanted:
1. Go out for ice cream.
2. Spend an afternoon at Snoopers.
3. Go to the Pumpkin Patch.
4. Decorate for Halloween.
5. Spend lots of time at the playground.
6. Go out for ice cream again.
7. Go to the zoo.
8. Go to Auntie Vicki's donut store.
9. Buy our Halloween costumes.
10. Get more ice cream.
This is the list that must get done in the next two weeks. Notice that nowhere does it say get groceries, do laundry, do dishes, or clean house. This is the boys' time. They may have more to add to the list and I'll be more than happy to add it.

Being straightforward

Long before I even had children, I knew that when I did, I wanted to have an open and honest relationship with them. I've always wanted to have children who felt they could talk to me about anything. As part of this, maybe overly optimistic, attitude I wanted to have open conversations with them about anything including (gasp!) sex. There hasn't been any talk about sex directly, but there have been questions about body parts and having babies.

One day Rion walked in on me while I was gettng dressed. "What are those mommy?" Ok, I can do this I thought. "Those are breasts," I said. "Oh," he said, "I like breasts." I laughed at his response and was relieved I could give him that answer. Still it was a little hard for me to say breast in front of him, thinking it would be his new word to tell every living soul.

Coming from a family that doesn't talk about such things, it has been hard to talk to my toddlers in this open way. It wasn't until recently that I got the courage to answer Torii's question truthfully and told him that was his penis. He has been calling it his "naked" for awhile now. Even in front of my three year old I'm sure my face was flush red and I stuttered as I said it. Torii thought nothing of it. He repeated it once and I haven't heard it since.

Now that we are expecting a baby I've had to field a few inquiries about the process in which the baby comes out. No questions about how the baby got there in the first place, just how it was going to come out. I'm pretty sure I failed miserably with this explanations. There were no technical terms, just hand movements as I said, "I push the baby out down here." Some weeks later when my husband and kids accompanied me to the doctor for the ultrasound, Rion proclaimed loudly that the baby was going to come out of mommy's butt. So I could have done a better job explaining that, although I would have been mortified had the word vagina come out of his mouth. Now I just tell the boys that I have to go to the hospital to get the baby out and that seems to satisfy them.

I'm expecting more questions about child birth soon as the baby is due in about a month. There will probably also be questions about breastfeeding and why their baby sister has different parts than them. I guess I will just take a deep breath and explain it to them best I can. I will feel embarrassed, but I'm sure they won't.